I Can’t Sleep

There are voices in my head. I’m not crazy but they are there. They talk to me and have been doing so since I can remember. They mostly ask questions like “How are you going to make it through the next school year?” I’m a teacher. “Remember when …”. “If you do X then Y will happen.” And so on and so on.

People call them ‘thoughts’ and how I should ignore them. My response is to smile and say nothing. How can you ignore something thats been with you since birth. How can you ignore an arm or leg or eye?

In medical terms they call it Attention Deficit Disorder. Sometimes they put the Hyper in there to make it ADHD. When I was young, I probably had the Hyper but now I’m just tired. It is 4:41 am and I’ve been up since 2.

In school I was in the special class and rode the short bus to the special school for a bit. It was the dumb class and was teased a lot. It was the 1980s. My focus was to get out of it to be Normal. There were kids around me who took pills and they were far worse than me. All based purely on what I saw not on how I saw myself. Getting out of the school and the class meant “normality.”

There were struggles such as reading, it is too long and doesn’t hold my attention which is why newspaper and magazine articles are the things I read the most. Work was good since it was always changing and stimulating. Relationships failed since it was their fault; not mine.

Until I met some amazing, someone who changed my life. He made me want to change; to become better even at the age of 41. It was then that I went to a psychatrist and talked about my past and how I want to change. They suggested medication for both my lack of sleep and my attention and was worried.

I have an addictive personality. I cant have one drink if others are drinking the same with food and candy. It is why smoking or coffee never became part of my life.

My other concern was the medication would change me and there are things my ADDness makes me who I am. It makes me creative as thousands of thoughts come through my mind and helps me to problem solve. Sometimes this is for the better and sometimes it is for the worse. Right nowthere is a balance with the medication. It has taken a lot of time to find that balance.

People have suggested meditation. My problem is sitting on the floor with peaceful music or someone talking or something going on. My mind goes to “Am I doing this right?” “Don’t think! Don’t Think Don’t Thing! Dam I am thinking not to think!” It is something to be explored. Going to the gym to work-out is the same thing.

Right now, I am in love and happy. My job is going through some changes which is why the voice in my head is going a bit stronger than normal. It’s why I can’t sleep.